


Good Angel

by Broken_Twisted_Lullabies



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean and Cas can be viewed platonic or romantic, Kinda?, Poor Cas, Self-Worth Issues, implied depression, some time during season 12, thoughts of worthlessness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 18:10:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15734715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies/pseuds/Broken_Twisted_Lullabies
Summary: "But what have I done that was good? What's one thing I did that didn't end up going wrong?"-After a particular hunt, Cas finds himself wondering if what his brother said was true. All of Heaven calls him broken, or wicked, or no good, and Cas begins to think that's true. Afterall heroes are supposed to be good, and Cas is far from good.[based off a tumblr post]





	Good Angel

**Author's Note:**

> Cas in this does express thoughts of worthlessness and if that might trigger you, please don't read this. Also, a reminder that you are worth it. There is someone out there that cares about you, regardless of what you might think.

Once again, the Winchesters and Castiel had found themselves finishing a successful hunt. They had killed the latest monster-of-the-week before it had killed it's latest victim - although in the eyes of some, with the trail of bloody bodies left behind the beast, it may be argued it wasn't completely successful. Regardless of what may be argued, the monster was dead and there would be no more innocents killed by them, thus a victory worth celebrating with beer. At least, that's what Dean had said, sporting a wide grin with blood splattered on his freckled face as the three sat in the Impala after having dropped the victim at the hospital.

Sam had, like his brother, viewed the hunt as a win in their books, and nodded his head in agreement. This particular hunt had been far from easy and they deserved a drink afterward.

But while the two brothers were sporting matching expressions of satisfaction and happiness, their angel friend in the back seat did not. Castiel didn't share their happiness or belief in their "win", instead wearing a sullen expression. _Well,_ to say he didn't view their closing of the hunt as a win would be false. Cas did view it as a win - for the Winchesters. Not for himself. The heroes at the end of this were Sam and Dean, not Castiel.

Turning his head to look out the window, Cas let his mind wander back to the hunt they had just finished. They had been hunting a rogue angel with some sort of twisted God-complex, that sought-after humans he deemed sinners. He'd hunt them down and slit their throats, leaving the poor humans to choke on their own blood and bleed out. It was a cruel way to die, although, in the angel's eyes, such was a fitting crime for their misdeeds.

The angel had ultimately no clear choice of victims, picking humans as guilty as drunk hit and runs to smaller things like pickpocketing, causing the connection between all the killings to be iffy and strained for police. Eventually, it was labeled a series of killings by an overly religious serial killer who believed he was serving justice in the name of the Lord. Such killings would have had no real interest for the Winchesters or Castiel, as it held no elements of supernatural in it, but they had checked them out anyway, as Sam had an odd feeling about the particular case. And when they dug deeper into the killings, they could understand why Sam had this nagging feeling that these killings were in fact supernaturally linked. So they decided to stick around for a little while.

Still, though, they hadn't yet come to the conclusion it was an angel behind the killings. They were, at first, convinced it was another monster.

Only Castiel had been the one to finally put everything together and realize the monster they were hunting was a rogue angel. And even then, it had taken three more victims before he had realized that. This was mainly due to the fact Castiel had known the angel behind the killings, an indigo winged angel named Ariel.

Ariel had been a part of Gabriel's garrison, though they had played together as fledglings and had considered themselves fairly good friends. He had always been a very kind and timid angel, never one to be quick to anger or harbour notions of wickedness, hence why they had never considered much of him. In fact, when Cas had first bumped into Ariel on the street in the small Wyoming town, Ariel had been very welcoming. The angel had invited Cas to join him to lunch, where the two sat in the diner and talked, Ariel, explaining his sorrow behind the killings. He had even told Cas that, should the Winchesters need any help, he would kindly offer any of his time for them, and would as well, keep an eye out for any suspicious individuals.

("Still, it's such a small town. Everyone's so quiet and happy here, and with hardly any strangers entering the town, it'd most likely be one of the locals. But to think they were behind such awful killings? It's awful, Castiel, thinking that after all this time being here a twisted killer was walking the streets hurting folks without the rest of us knowing!" Ariel had said, grey eyes wide.)

All in all, Ariel had been a comforting part of Cas' past, the first angel in so long that hadn't regarded Cas as a traitor or filth, especially after the fall a year back.

 

But it appeared even sweet Ariel was holding something back from Cas as signs began to point back towards the angel, locals slowly expressing that they did not view Ariel as kindly as he made himself to be. And, after eight bodies and one (un)fortunate witness - who had been out walking while stumbling upon a man with a large silver word and glowing purple-blue eyes and then quickly fled to the police station in terror - the trio had come to realize the monster behind their killings, was Ariel.

It had shocked Cas, leaving him with feelings of betrayal and hurt, as well as disgust, at the realization that this whole time he was once again played by a sibling he had believed he could trust. Even Sam and Dean had been caught off guard by the revelation, however, unlike Cas, they had recovered much faster than he did, being the ones to kill Ariel before he killed his next victim, not him. They had also been the ones to stumble upon the wide-eyed escort, hands, and feet bound by rope in a back room of Ariel's small house, freeing her and getting her to safety, not him. _Hell,_ thinking back on it all, they had also been the ones to locate where Ariel was hiding, not him.

Everything had been thanks to Sam and Dean. Not Sam and Dean _and Castiel._

He had done nothing special, nor of importance in solving this case.

 _Had you not been there, Sam and Dean would've solved this case sooner, saving more than one victim,_ his mind supplies, and the angel can't help but agree. Sam and Dean would’ve prevented the deaths of not only the girl, Natasia but of the other two who died while they were in the town. But because he was with them, they had taken longer to stop Ariel, and Castiel had the blood of three innocent humans coating his hands.

Cas glanced down at his hands, palms red and flecked with dried blood, and he shuddered, shoving them in his coat pockets. Looking at them made him feel sick.

The Impala came to a stop in front of the Bunker entrance, and Cas startles slightly, having been so lost in his own mind that he hadn't realized had passed. The Winchesters are already beginning to climb out of the Impala, and Cas follows suit, a bit distant. He can hear them talking, Dean sounding loud and animated, and Sam laughing along to whatever he's saying, but the exact words Dean says? He can't quite catch those. His mind is fuzzy, feeling as if a cloud had been shoved into his head.

So he just nods along when Dean turns to ask him something, hoping his lips form a smile convincing enough that won't create any questions.

Cas follows them all the way to the War Room before turning and heading towards his room, wanting to be alone. He knows they'll be celebrating in there, drinking beers with feet kicked up on the table. This is their victory after all, and Cas doesn't want to intrude. So to his room he goes, opening the thick wooden door and slipping into the room before closing the door, shutting the laughter he can hear. Cas sits on his bed, drawing his knees to his chest. His chin rests atop his knees, and he stares blankly at the wall.

He hopes the Winchesters don't come looking for him, wanting him to join their celebration because he hasn't deserved it. They helped save people, helped stop monsters, and thus, a celebration is a worthy reward.

What had he done though?

He only seemed to break things, kill people, and let monsters slip through his fingers.

They were good. They were heroes.

Castiel was not.

He sighed, willing his tattered wings to appear on this plane. He feels heavy, limbs tired and weighted. The wings wrap around him like blankets, and he hopes they will break the cold numbness that clings to his grace. But they don't. If anything, the sight of them makes him feel worse because they're a constant reminder of how much he screwed up. Cas could only imagine how he looked, a shell of his former glory. Gone was Castiel, angel of Thursday, warrior of heaven. Now he was Castiel, fallen from grace and heaven's biggest screw-up.

Ariel had been right.

("You call yourself good, a hero, but are you really Castiel? How many have you saved? How many have you _killed_? You call me the monster, the villain, but tell me how you are better. Tell me how we aren't more or less the same.")

He was no hero, just another monster pretending he was.

Cas doesn't realize how long he sits there before there is a knock at the door, and it silences the voice of Ariel that taunts him.

"Cas, you in there buddy? Sammy and I were wondering what happened to you."

Dean sounded worried and great _-_ now Cas has given them a further reason to hate him.

"Cas?" Dean says, knocking again. "I know you're in there. Can I come in?"

He wants to shake his head, not wanting Dean to come in and see him, but it feels too heavy. The door opens and Dean walks in, wearing a small smile, and Cas' wings disappear, hidden only for him to see.

"Why'd you run off and hide on us? Don't you wanna celebrate with us?" he asks, moving towards Cas. Spotting how the angel was trying to look so small, his smile drops.

The mattress dips as Dean sits down beside him, and Cas' eyes drop to his socks, not making eye contact with the hunter.

"What's wrong, Cas?"

Cas doesn't respond, tongue thick, finding it impossible to make words come. Dean speaks again.

"If this is about Ariel, I'm sorry Cas. It sucks big time that you're brother wasn't one of the good guys. Especially because you two seemed fairly close and he wasn't a massive douche the moment we first met him. Sammy and I tried man, to talk to him, make him realize what he was doing was wrong, but he was in too deep. He didn't want to change and well, you understand that we can't have him running around killing people, don't you?" Dean explains to the silent angel, not looking at him exactly, more at the wall across from the bed. He then turns to actually face Cas, looking much more tired and haggard than he actually was. "And if you're beating yourself up about not realizing it sooner, don't. Okay?"

Dean pauses.

"Before you try and argue that you aren't, it won't work. I know that face. I've…" He runs a hand down his face, sighing. "Look, I've been where you are, thought someone who was my friend, was a good guy and not the monster we hunt, and it sucks like hell when you turn out wrong, but there was no way you could've noticed. Hell, he seemed like one of the good guys. We all thought he was. And if you didn't notice, Sammy and I definitely wouldn't've. So really, it's not your fault."

Cas, listening quietly to the hunter, could tell that this sort of conversation wasn't exactly in Dean's comfort zone. More than once, he had stated how he didn't do "chick-flick moments", and being around the Winchesters so long, he had observed how Dean seemed to push away (or down) any emotions in a metaphorical box. So, having Dean actively talk about how he had felt what Cas was feeling, talking about emotions and the vulnerable parts of him, it made Cas feel grateful and honoured that he'd step out of his comfort zone to help Cas.

"And in the end, we did the best we could. We saved that girl, saved dozens of others from becoming victims to Ariel's twisted beliefs," Dean continued, and Cas lifts his head, looking away from his dull grey socks to meet Dean's bright green eyes.

"We're heroes, Cas."

He utters such words so confidently, and Cas flinches, shaking his head. He's no hero. Sam and Dean are the heroes in this story. He just the clingy angel that sticks around, making a mess that they'll later have to clean up but no matter what, feel so bad for him that they don't have the heart to get rid of him.

" _I wonder if this'll be the final straw."_

The voice doesn't sound like Dean's anymore, warping into another being, and when Cas blinks, it's Lucifer sitting there, not Dean.

The devil grins, staring at him. "Maybe you finally screwed up enough for Dean to toss you away in the trash. Granted, I was sure it was when you broke down little Sammy's wall, but going behind his back and letting me free?" Lucifer makes an impressed face. "Gotta say though, it I were Dean, I wouldn't be surprised. You never were big on loyalty. Not to Heaven, not to humans," he says with a shrug, and when Cas shrinks away, the devil laughs before flickering to another angel.

_Ambriel._

"You help, but Sam and Dean are the real heros."

She's then replaced by another angel, another face he remembers.

"You only break things, Castiel. You're defective."

And another angel.

"You try again and again, but look at you. You still can't do anything right."

And another.

"You're mad...I get it! I mean, it must suck, being everyone's tool. Manipulated, used. By your enemies, by your friends."

And another.

"You've failed more often than you succeed."

Angel after angel flicker before his eyes, each echoing the same thing over and over again. He's no good, no angel, no hero...nothing. It makes Cas curl up further inside himself, give up and just accept that they're right.

But Dean doesn't let him.

His hand on Cas' shoulder snaps Cas out of his cruel mind, mutes the voices until it's just him. No more angels, no more flickering, just Dean.

And that makes him feel safe, feel a little less heavy in the fog he's trapped in. "You're wrong," he whispers, voice so soft Dean almost doesn't catch it.

"Sorry?"

Cas sighs. "You and Sam are the real heroes, Dean. Not me." Admitting it, saying it out loud, it makes everything they tell him so much more real.

Dean frowns, shaking his head. "What do you mean Cas? You're a hero, too," he explains, and while he sounds sincere, it doesn't cheer Cas up. If anything, it makes him feel worse.

_He's lying to you, to spare your feelings. How could you be a hero? You're nothing like Sam or Dean. heroes are good. What good have you done?_

But Cas doesn't vocalize those thoughts, doesn't tell Dean how he's certain the hunter is lying to him, and instead just shrugs. He hopes that maybe Dean will leave, will nod and pat him on the back, saying "good talk man" and will then leave, going back to Sam and forgetting all about Cas. But that doesn't happen. Rather, Dean stays.

"Okay, something's still bugging you. I can tell," Dean states, watching him with careful eyes. "What's buzzing around in that head of yours?" He asks, and Cas gives another half-hearted shrug, looking down once more at his feet.

He's silent for a moment. Then he speaks. "Heroes are good guys, right?"

"Yeah, yeah they are." Dean sounds hesitant as if he's not quite sure how to respond. Or perhaps, he's trying to understand what Cas is getting at.

"Then am I actually a good angel, Dean?"

The question hangs in the air and Dean doesn't respond.

_He's trying to not hurt your feelings. He knows you're not a good angel._

Cas swallows, trying to ignore the voice and instead continue. "I mean, I've hurt so many angels, Dean. I kicked my brothers and sisters out of Heaven, tore their wings from their backs, and then killed them because I believed that was the only way to stop them. I'm the reason Lucifer walks back on the earth after Sam locked him back away, I'm the one that let the Leviathans free from Purgatory. I killed humans, angels - innocents that did nothing to warrant my wrath. I broke the wall in Sam's mind, betrayed you and your brother over and over, betrayed my Father, my family…" He trailed off, lifting his head and looking over at Dean. "How does that make me good? How does the trail of dead bodies behind me say I'm a hero?"

His voice cracks, and still Dean says nothing.

That only breaks Cas further.

The hunter seems to be rethinking what he just said, maybe trying to find a way out of this conversation, and Cas feels his grace sink lower, waiting for Dean to agree with him. So say that he's right. Cas will never be a hero or a good angel.

"Ariel said I was broken, no better than him. Naomi said so as well. Raphael and Michael pointed out how far I had fallen from being a good angel. So did Metatron, and Rachel, and Ambriel, and Zachariah, and Uriel, and..." -Cas' voice wavers - "Dean not a single of my siblings can even look at me. They spit my name like it's poison. Glare at me like they do with Lucifer. They hate me, and…and maybe they should. Maybe I really am just as bad as Lucifer."

With all that then said, he hangs his head in defeat. The once great Castiel is gone, now only a shell of former glory. He just wants to disappear for good. No coming back, no second chances, no restarts.

The silence that follows is choking. Then Dean speaks.

"You are nothing like Lucifer, Cas. You got that? He's manipulative, cruel, hurting people and killing without remorse. He feels no pain, cares for no one… that isn't you."

"But I've done so many bad things Dean," Cas whispers, lifting his head.

"So what? Haven't we all? I broke the first seal for the Apocalypse. I set free the Darkness, killed people with the Mark. I've let innocents die during the Apocalypse because I refused to say yes, hell the list just keeps going on. And Sam's no better. But we still try to do good, to be more than the bad we do. And that's what makes us different from Lucifer, from Lilith and Abaddon, and all the other big nasties we face. We don't let the bad define us, and keep trying to make things better," Dean tells him. "No one can be good all the time. Not even you, Cas. It's what's called being human. And, before you say anything, you are the most human angel and that's a good thing. You have the capability to care, to _feel,_ to want to do good. So you ask me if you're a good angel, and the truth is, Cas you're not just a good angel. You're the best one out there."

 

Gone is Dean's frown, replaced instead by a small smile and the fog Cas seems trapped in begins to thin.

"But what have I done that was good? What's one thing I did that didn't end up going wrong?"

Without any hesitation, Dean says, "You saved me."

Cas' eyes widen, letting it sink in.

Tears then begin to form, and he blinks quickly, biting his lip. He doesn't want to cry in front of Dean, but everything is just bubbling out like an overflowing pail, and the first tear rolls down his cheek. The next comes, and the next, and soon he's crying freely, shoulders shaking, breathing shaky and choked. Dean pulls him in for a hug, holding the angel tight as Cas cries into his shoulder, everything he felt for so long spilling out.

"You saved me, you saved Sammy, saved the world. You are a hero, Cas, regardless what Heaven might say," Dean adds.

"Thank you," Cas says into his shoulder.

They stay like that for a bit, Dean holding Cas tight until every tear is gone. Once Cas has stopped crying, he is released from Dean's arms, and taking his jacket sleeve, rubs the remaining tears from his face.

"If you ever feel like this again Cas, talk to Sam or I, okay?" Dean says and Cas nods. "Now let's head back to Sammy before he thinks we've gotten lost or something."

He rises from the bed, walking towards the door. A warm smile on his face, he looks over at Cas. "You coming, Cas?"

It's said so simply, but Cas understands what Dean is trying to tell him. _We couldn't have done this without you Cas. You deserve to celebrate with us._

Cas gives a small smile, getting to his feet. He nods and Dean's smile grows larger. The two then walk out the door of Cas' room back to the War Room where Sam is waiting.

In that moment, he doesn't feel so heavy, so numb. It's still there, a dark dangerous thing in the back of his head, but it's slunk back for now. And while he still has some doubts about being a hero, in Dean's eyes he's a good angel, and right now, that's enough for him.

**Author's Note:**

> whoop, finally posted something after being silent for three months. Will I be posting more often? Probably not. Will I still try to write stuff? Yup. Will it be good? Who knows. Guess we'll just have to see.


End file.
